Notes on Relationship & Intimacy
Ask yourself: Am I loved and did I love well?
Learn how to be kind, and PRACTICE it. It works better than anything else.
You become like the people you associate with. Find good people that are living the life you want to become and spend time with them.
We tend to live up to what is expected of us, but not necessarily our own expectations. Be aware of what others expect of us. Are these expectations what we want to become. If we want more from our life, we have to expect more from ourselves.
Learn how to be kind, and PRACTICE it. It works better than anything else.
You become like the people you associate with. Find good people that are living the life you want to become and spend time with them.
We tend to live up to what is expected of us, but not necessarily our own expectations. Be aware of what others expect of us. Are these expectations what we want to become. If we want more from our life, we have to expect more from ourselves.
I love you, not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you. —Roy Croft
We teach people how to treat us by the way we act with them. Demonstrate and demand the kind of behavior you want from those around you.
Find good role models. Good people with more life experience than us can be a guide to a better life. Even if we don't like what they say, at least listen. We don't have to
rediscover everything by ourselves.
If you want to be happily married, marry a happy person.
"Girls, no matter how you think of your body, when you are the only naked girl in the room, you look good!"-----Niecy Nash
Holding hands is a promise to one another that, for just a moment, the two of you don’t have to face the world alone.
If you want to be happily married, marry a happy person.
"Girls, no matter how you think of your body, when you are the only naked girl in the room, you look good!"-----Niecy Nash
The body you hated at 20 you would die for at 50.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Sorry doesn't mean anything if you keep doing it. Be sure Sorry isn't just an excuse for not caring.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends."
J.K. Rowling
Make yourself necessary to someone.
Evaluate people by what they do,
rather than what they say,
their behavior is closer to the truth
of who they are and how they feel.
Your friend is your needs answered.
"A true friend is someone who you can have an argument with and know they will still be there for you tomorrow." --Ginny Darby
Look for opportunities to compliment someone. Be nice, it will make two people happy.... you and them.
Don't leave your good thoughts about friends and loved ones unexpressed. Don't be shy. Express your feelings towards them. We all need and like praise. Share that gift with them regularly. It would be a shame if they never knew you cared.
We should judge people by how they make us feel about ourselves.
Do they tear us down or encourage us to be our better selves.
A true friend is one who will tell you the truth you need to know. Not just what you want to hear. Even if it is uncomfortable. Find those friends and listen to them.
Don't jump into bed too soon with a new friend. Some would say, then what's the point? If sex is all you BOTH want then go for it. But if you are looking for a lasting relationship, starting out with sex can be deceiving. For most of us, the sexual experience is a bonding experience. It clouds our ability to think rationally about the strengths and weaknesses of a relationship. Sort of like eating a lot of candy just before preparing a meal, we are satiated with sweets and can not think about eating a balanced meal.
Also waiting to have sex is a good indicator of what the motives for getting together are. Is it just for sex or are we valued for other assets we may possess? If he or she won't wait, won't give the relationship a chance to grow without sex, you have your answer.
Don't jump into bed too soon with a new friend. Some would say, then what's the point? If sex is all you BOTH want then go for it. But if you are looking for a lasting relationship, starting out with sex can be deceiving. For most of us, the sexual experience is a bonding experience. It clouds our ability to think rationally about the strengths and weaknesses of a relationship. Sort of like eating a lot of candy just before preparing a meal, we are satiated with sweets and can not think about eating a balanced meal.
Also waiting to have sex is a good indicator of what the motives for getting together are. Is it just for sex or are we valued for other assets we may possess? If he or she won't wait, won't give the relationship a chance to grow without sex, you have your answer.
*****
Most of us spend more time shopping for shoes than we do finding a good mate. Some of us spend four years or more in college studying a profession we will never use, but we will go choose Mr. or Miss "Right" after one night in a bar. When it comes to matters of love, we turn off our brains and follow our hearts (or lower organs). There is no training in our society on how to find a good mate. No wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce.
"Pay attention to me!"
This is our silent yearning.
We seem to be creatures that thrive on attention.
Learn to give focused attention to those we love.
Being vulnerable often helps friendships.
Letting your guard down a bit with those you can TRUST
helps build relationship bonds.
Learn how to respect yourself and demand that others respect you.
Don't allow yourself to be abused by others, emotionally or physically.
Everyone has a bad day or gets upset, but if this is a regular pattern, change the pattern or get out.
It only gets harder to leave as time passes.
It is hard enough to change our own selves,
rare to be able to change others.
Try to treat each person we meet
as though they were
the most important thing on our mind
at that moment.
Try to have many types of relationships and friends, young, older, male, female, foreign, and of different beliefs and experiences. We learn a lot from those differences.
If you want to have good friends, learn to be a good friend.
You choose your friends, they choose your future.
Feeling lonely, no one to talk to, friends not available? Look around you...people are everywhere. The line at the grocery store, sitting next to you on the bus, waiting on the sidewalk to cross with the light, next to you in a meeting or class. Smile, stick out your hand in greeting, say something, anything. Not your kind of people, maybe not, but it is still a good opportunity to practice being friendly, being nice. This practice will come in handy when you find someone you really want to meet.
You choose your friends, they choose your future.
Feeling lonely, no one to talk to, friends not available? Look around you...people are everywhere. The line at the grocery store, sitting next to you on the bus, waiting on the sidewalk to cross with the light, next to you in a meeting or class. Smile, stick out your hand in greeting, say something, anything. Not your kind of people, maybe not, but it is still a good opportunity to practice being friendly, being nice. This practice will come in handy when you find someone you really want to meet.
You are in control of how YOU feel,
no one else can make you feel some
way unless you let them.
Learn to ask for what you want….
If you don't ask, you automatically eliminate any chance of getting what you want. Be tactful.
Be specific. Don’t ask for something the other person can’t give.
In every encounter, there are always
two responsible parts, yours and the
other person (or issue).
Don't lead people on.
Try to be clear and honest with them
from the start. If someone annoys you
or you are not interested in
spending time with them,
think of a clear, direct, and gentle
way of telling them you are not
interested.
Eye contact, conversations
and spending time with them when you
are not interested, is not "just being nice",
it adds a confusing message if you are
not interested.
If you would like to spend more time
with them, find a clear easily
way for asking for another encounter,
for example: "can we talk again?"
Don't put them on the spot,
leave them an option to say no.
Some say that men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love. It often seems that way. Ideally, the two should go together, but often it is an uneven trade-off.
Types of friendships: associate, colleague, acquaintance, friend, brotherly/sisterly,
parental vs. child, lover, spouse. Which is your appropriate role for the relationship you are in?
Let's face it, not all relationships are created with bliss. Unfortunately, some of us come into a relationship damaged, bringing a lot of problems (all of us to some degree).
Carrying the burden of alcoholism, drug addictions, mental illness, emotional problems, health issues, etc. adds hardships that may doom a relationship.
Two healthy people have enough problems working through a relationship. When one or both is troubled the problems mount rapidly. The sooner one works to improve these challenges honestly and openly, the sooner resolutions can be identified. Remember many problems are not solvable but may be managed.
t.d. 1999
Thoughts on Sex:
I know..... sex is something we are not supposed to talk about. The subject of human sexuality is one of those things everyone is interested in but too shameful to discuss. Perhaps presumed to be intuitive but it isn't. How can we learn if we don't talk/share? The result is most of us fumble around in the dark, waste emotions, and get hurt. Perhaps some of these following random comments can help, or at least start that discussion.
If you can not talk with your partner about your sexual understandings, wants, needs, and fantasies, it is probably too soon to be having sexual relations with each other. Why would you bare your body but be embarrassed to bare your thoughts and desires?
*****
Ignorance has probably ruined the intimacy game more times than not. It is difficult to know what we don't know. Often we don't even know what we are missing. And our partner may be equally in the dark. We often don't know what we want and like. Fulfillment requires insight into one's own sexual interests and needs. We need an open and honest discussion with our partner so they can understand and grow with us. Learning to please our partner and ourselves should be paramount.
Sex is a lot like cooking. It can be healthy and fun. But if you don't understand and respect the fire, it can burn and scar you permanently.
Amid all the confusion between love, lust, shame, and ignorance, the issue of safe sex gets easily lost. Having unprotected sex is like having sex with all your new mate's previous partners with unknown STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Twenty - five percent of people with H.I.V. do not know they have it. STDs are on the rise among the baby boomers... you may not be getting pregnant any longer but you can still get incurable STDs. Learn what protection is required and get tested between partners. It is easy and the smart thing to do.
Sex education should be mandatory! If we are not taught it, how are we to know about it? Is ignorance better than knowledge? If you can't find a qualified class, create your own. Read up, check the web, talk to each other, and trusted friends. Explore your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Take notes. If you have a partner set a regular "sex class" meeting.... once a week. It should be a safe environment to share your thoughts and ask questions of each other. Talk about fears and desires. Learn about what you don't know. No coercion or put-downs... just sharing facts and information..... it is like honestly getting to know each other. These conversations can be wonderful shared experiences in themselves. And the "homework" after class can be a lot of fun too. After 35 years together our regular sex class has been the best "motivator" for satisfying long-term intimacy.
If you haven't had sex with someone who truly cherishes and cares for you, as you do for them, you are missing the essence of this human experience. This is a goal worth striving for. Find someone who consistently treats you like you are the most important thing in their life. Someone you always trust and feel good in their company. Once you have experienced being cherished it is hard to be satisfied sexually without it.
*****
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped by taking off your clothes. ----Garrison Keillor.
******
It is not impolite to be naked. It is impolite to notice.
Sven in Denmark.
******
Whether we are making love alone or with three of our best friends, Sex in a relationship is like a barometer. It is a tool that lets us know how the relationship "weather" is going. If the sex is satisfying to both... the relationship is probably going pretty well. If the sex is lacking there are probably deeper problems in the relationship that should be explored.
*****
Sex is an activity that should only be practiced by two (or more?) mature people. If you can not find a good mature friend to share these experiences with it is better to make love alone. Maturity plays an important part in a satisfactory sexual experience.
*****
Sex appeal is 50% of what you've got and 50% what other people think you've got. ....Sophia Loren
*****
Just like household chores and daily responsibilities, in an ongoing relationship, it is the obligation of both partners to participate equally. It takes time and energy to learn and grow the sexual experiences together. To further a healthy, happy, and refreshingly innovative sex life together, it is necessary for both partners to gain fulfillment and joy.
*****
We are sexual beings at every stage of our lives. We need to learn to understand our appropriate role at each age. Accepting our sexuality is part of being a mature individual. Our sexual roles will change at each age of our lives. Learning what to expect and how to act at each of these different stages makes our sexuality the wonderful fulfillment of our nature.
We need to learn to be seductive (both men and women) especially after marriage. It not only increases our chances of having sex but it helps build our self-confidence and enjoyment of sensuous moments. Consider seductive behaviors as just another important role we develop with our personalities. How unfair it is if we attracted her/him by being seductive and then quit. I am not talking about being slutty...exposing lots of skin and muscle (unless that is what turns you both on).
*****
Seduction is 90% brain and 10% skin. Learn to flirt: A confident look from across the room, a gentle touch showing interest, a button undone. Think of it as having fun playing with someone you love. Take some risks.
*****
Not many people complain about having too much sex. A lot of people complain about not having enough sex. In a relationship, if sex isn’t already a regular part of your routine don’t just wait for it to happen. Schedule it regularly. In a healthy relationship, good sexual activity is a tremendous glue between the partners that strengthens, enriches, and holds the relationship together.
*****
Sex is one of those things where if our sex life is going well and happy sex doesn’t seem that important. But if sex is lacking or going poorly it seems to be the most important thing on our minds.
*****
*****
There are times in our lives where we choose not to have a sexual partner or can't find the "right" one. We should still explore our own sensual needs and find satisfactory ways to fulfill those desires as best possible. There is an old saying that "the loves I imagine are safer than the ones I've known". Sensual fantasy can be an interesting alternative. We should dress and act to please ourselves. Don't most of us do that anyway. Discover what turns YOU on. There should be no expectations to be like everyone else. Our own needs are all that is important.
*****
Sex and aging, for me, is an interesting challenge. There is a myth that we become "too old" for sex. "Sex" is as much an attitude as an activity that we can enjoy in some form until the day we die. I want to die "with a smile on my face".
Our bodies are always changing from youth to old age. It is something we have to learn to cope with at each stage. As we get old our body functions can begin to diminish and make the physical sex act more challenging. Since the aging process is different for each partner, staying in "sync" with each other adds more issues. I have found that this is a time when communication and problem solving becomes important tools. This is another reason that we need to develop problem-solving techniques early on in our relationship so that we have the skill to help us out all through our lives including the changes of old age.
*****
Let's face it, some problems in our lives can't be fixed... including sexual. Health limitations, lack of a partner, or an unwilling partner are examples. But problems that can't be fixed can be managed. If necessary we need to seek help and resources for management approaches that we haven't thought of before.
X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0
Kissing
Kiss me like you mean it !
The One Minute Kiss:
If your love relationship is fairly young, kissing has probably become an art form. But whether new or old, any relationship can be improved by what my wife and I have called the "One Minute Kiss". It is a daily habit that we have tried to maintain as an intimate ritual. Whether things are great or feelings lagging from familiarity, boredom, and fatigue, the minute kiss has helped. Simply make a point to take one minute a day and hold the person you claim to love and kiss for one minute. For us, it is a process of discovery and renewal.
********
A Kiss: There was one unexpected first kiss that trembled the earth, awakened the dead, raced the heart, altered two lives, and left the memory of that moment illuminated with searing fire light forever.
********
A Kiss: There was one unexpected first kiss that trembled the earth, awakened the dead, raced the heart, altered two lives, and left the memory of that moment illuminated with searing fire light forever.
********
Some believe that the first kiss came from mothers feeding their babies
by a process of passing chewed food into their lips.
********
“French kissing” (using the tongue) is recorded 5000 years ago in the earliest literate civilization of Sumer.
Mom said about marriage:
1. When I said I didn't think I would be able to give my faience what she deserved, mom said: "so do you think she would be better getting those things for herself, being single and alone?"
2. "Life is difficult, it is important to have an ally, a companion to work through the problems together.
At some time both of you will need someone.
In a good marriage, your lives can be easier together."
3. When I said I was afraid of failing at a long-term marriage, mom said: "Relationship intensity ebbs and flows.
Those periods can last moments or even years.
The marriage bond keeps you together during the weak times until you find the ways of closeness again."
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Love is not a very good word in American English usage.
It has too many different meanings for too many people.
The word love should really be replaced with a verb describing behaviors that we SPECIFICALLY PRACTICE.
Acting shows our care and concern for the well-being
of the people in our lives.
Saying "I love you" could be replaced by doing something
to make you laugh or providing something to give you
security etc.
Acting with kindness and respect, tolerance and
acceptance is showing love rather than saying the word.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Don't wait to the end of your life to ask:
"Am I loved and did I love well?"
4444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
Divorce:
In America:
50%of all marriages end in divorce.
Five reasons that cause divorce:
poor communication
finances
abuse
no longer attracted to one another
infidelity
The age of marriage is one of the leading indicators of divorce. Until age 25 the younger you marry the higher the chance of divorce.
Lack of education is a leading contributor to divorce. Marriage is one of the leading obstacles to completing one's education … topped by child-rearing.
41% of first marriages fail
60% of second marriages fail
73% of third marriages fail
You are less likely to get divorced if:
it is your first marriage.
your parents are still married
you are over the age of 25
you have a college degree
you do not have children early in your marriage
You are most likely to get a divorce if:
one or both smoke
one person does all the chores
you associate with divorced people
you met in a bar
you have a daughter rather than a son
you have money problems
you are having sex problems
you have different religious or philosophical beliefs
you have different backgrounds, nationalities, races, ages.
Women need to get a good education prior to marriage so that in the likely case of a divorce they can support themselves (and any possible children).
Women need to get a good education prior to marriage so that in the likely case of a divorce they can support themselves (and any possible children).
Developing your role in a relationship:
Fake it until you make it. One's lifestyle develops with experience.
Practice being the person you want to be. Eventually, it will feel natural and real.
Look sharp, feel sharp, are sharp. Try to look your best. Then you will feel your best and you will be your best. "Clothes do make the man" (woman).
If you are NOT satisfied with your partner, start by changing yourself.
Balance is perhaps the most important word. Strive for balance in all things.
What do you bring to the relationship? Each person must bring
something to the relationship and each person must get something
out of the relationship.
So how much fun are you to live with? Learn to be good company / a friend.
Choose optimism over fear.
Good people make our hearts light up when they walk into the room.
Strive to be that kind of person for the people you love and care about.
Look at every encounter, good and bad, as a learning opportunity. What did you learn?
Problem-solving:
All relationships have problems.
The defining characteristic of a healthy relationship is the quality of your problem-solving skills.
Do you want to win the argument or solve the problem?
It is usually one or the other, not both.
Do you need to TALK about this (problem?) or do you really want to DO something about it?
There is a difference between just talking and actually doing something to create a solution.
Learn how to fight fair:
Learn to talk about the issue, (hopefully while the issue is still small).
Set at a time and place where both parties can be calm and focused.
Focus on what the specific issue is.
Identify what part of the issue is yours.
Limit argument/discussion to only this problem.
Be respectful, no name-calling, no abuse, no loud voices, etc.
Learn how to problem-solve:
Accurately define the problem.
Focus on only this problem.
Imagine many solution options, any idea is worth discussing.
Find people and resources that can help.
Set small achievable goals.
Set a timeline for improvements.
Review progress regularly.
Don't ever be afraid to seek professional counseling you trust, either including your partner or separately. Don't consider it a failure to need help, think of it as an additional educational opportunity.
#############################################################
Tips for a Happy Marriage / Relationship:
The following are some practices we have used to make our own relationship happy and successful.
*Make your relationship a priority in your life. A healthy and happy relationship should come before all else.
*Talk to each other. Talk frequently about anything and everything. Learn to trust and be trustworthy with your partner’s expressions. Discuss your hopes, dreams, daily concerns, private thoughts, sex, and health issues. Don’t leave important thoughts to hints, innuendoes, and assumptions. Learn to be an interesting and engaging contributor to the conversation. Be genuinely interested and supportive of your partner.
*Family meetings. Set up a family meeting on a regular basis, perhaps an hour once a week every week. Use this time to calmly discuss how things are going. Money, jobs, health, home life, kids, sex, hopes, fears, and dreams. It is an excellent time to organize the week, plan for fun activities and resolve problems.
*Take care of yourself. You expect your partner to. Your good health and appearance were important in the beginning. You owe it to yourself to do the best you can to be healthy, attractive for your own self-esteem and your partner’s.
*Make love every day. Sex is usually an important part of an intimate relationship in the beginning. As the flames of lust and passion get quenched by life’s distractions our emotional and physical desires usually suffer, and so weakens the bond of the relationship. Physical and emotional closeness is vital to a happy relationship. The point here is to make LOVE every day. Sex is just one form of that. Challenge your relationship to find some way to express the love you say you have for each other every day…. be it cuddling, taking showers together, back rubs or whatever your imagination can come up with. It only takes 10-30 minutes a day and could be the most important minutes for your mutual happiness. Sex and intimate expressions are a good barometer of how your relationship is going.
*Learn to problem solve. All relationships have problems. What differentiates the good ones from the bad ones is the ability to effectively solve the problem. Problem-solving is a technique that can be learned just like any other skill. The essentials are to identify and focus only just on the one immediate problem. Discuss all possible options before ruling any out. Decide on the best solution and get an agreement on a plan that is practical and possible. Divide the plan into easily manageable steps. Identify what success would be and set a realistic timeline to reach it. Review progress along the way and make necessary changes.
*Learn to fight fair. Fighting/arguing is inevitable especially when feelings and emotions get involved. Learning to resolve arguments can be learned. Do you want to win the argument or solve the problem…. it is usually one or the other. Trying to win an argument and destroy your partner is very damaging to a relationship. Remember that some words cannot be taken back and the scars of hurt are seldom ever forgotten. Resolving conflict usually involves finding a time and place where things are calm and both parties feel respected and safe. Identify the issue…. just one issue at a time. Encourage each person to voice uninterrupted their point of view. After that person has spoken, the other person should restate what the first person said, to be sure they understand. After both have shared their position, discuss all options for resolution. Pick an option that has the best chance of solving the problem. Set a time frame for working on the new solution and review progress. Set a later time to talk about the solution and make changes if required. Get professional help if necessary. Do not let problems grow. It only gets more difficult after bad habits are allowed to grow.
*Remember this is a desired obligation. Nobody is forcing you to stay in this relationship. If you are going to remain a partnership, remember that you chose to participate, and with that comes the desired obligation to make it a happy and healthy one.
*Share chores and household responsibilities. Each partner should help and understand how to do the daily maintenance responsibilities around the home, cooking, cleaning, wash, yard work, etc. Burdening only one with these tasks sets up resentment and fatigue and upsets a balance of power. A mutual understanding of what is involved in actually running the house helps set priorities and decision-making.
*Remember to do what you did in the beginning. Continue to do the things you did when you first were attracted to each other… dates, fun activities, romance, cuddling, surprises.
*Make your partnership a team. It should never be a contest of you against me. It must be a win-win relationship. If one person loses you both suffer.
*Surround yourself with positive role models. Find friends that have good relationships. Learn from those around you who are doing it right. Remember you become like the people you associate with.
*Don’t become dependent on your partner. You were independent when you first met and that was attractive and refreshing. Your self-reliance will provide freedom for you and lessen the burden on your partner. It is much better to be together because you want each other rather than because you need each other. Maintaining an independent spirit brings freshness and vitality into the relationship. Don’t lose your identity, that was the strength that made you attractive in the first place.
*Is this good for the relationship? Ask yourself that question before every decision. The results of your life together are made one decision at a time, every day.
*It takes two for yes and one for no. When deciding on what to do regarding your relationship both should have a say.…. buy a new car, change jobs, have kids, move out of town…. it takes both to agree to do something. If one says no, then the time is not right.
t.d.
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Sex Class
When we first meet Miss / Mr. "Right" (or right now) sex isn't that complicated... or who wastes time thinking about it... just do it. But for some couples (and potential couples) getting skin to skin can use some help. Time can change things.... the morning after, a year later, twenty years later, our sex lives, if it still exists can look a lot different and often not better.
To keep our sex life vital, my wife and I started a sex class, just for the two of us.
Assumptions:
1. Sex between partners is a good barometer of how the relationship is going. Recognizing this barometer as a tool, it is valuable to look at it and use it to observe the workings of the relationship.
I suppose any topic could be used as a barometer, money, the kids, one's health, etc, but we both find sex interesting and notice that when things are great in our general life, our sex life is also great, and when things are difficult, so is our sex life. And visa versa.
2. For most, sex is one of the few things we share only with our partner. Most other things we can share with others, but sex is a uniquely private activity that most agree to only share with each other. So if one is going to have good sex it has to come from our partner and every effort should be used to make this shared activity mutually rewarding.
Going outside the marriage/relationship for sexual gratification usually causes deep wounds that are rarely forgotten. This class is designed to make staying within the relationship a better alternative.
3. That one or both of the partners is interested in having some sort of sex life.
4. We were NOT born with a sex manual to read. We all have to learn it. Some have had more experience and interest. But all can improve in a win-win environment.
Life is like a bank, you get out of it what you put into it. If sex is important, it too will be enhanced by putting energy into it. But more importantly, by putting energy into the relationship, one's sex life will be enhanced. Our sexual self is complicated, how can we make the best of the cards we are dealt with.
What this "class" is:
Sex class is like any other class only there are two teachers and two students. Each of us is the teacher and each the student. We set some dedicated time on a regular basis for our class when we are not tired or distracted. We take one hour at the same time each week for the class. Turn off the TV, radio, phones, and other distractions. Get some notepaper to take notes. This is a time for sharing ideas and information on sex. It is very important to be respectful, and supportive, but also be honest. We are only cheating ourselves if we don’t share honestly.
We make a pledge to be supportive of each other and the process. If one partner drops the ball and doesn’t participate it is the obligation of the other to bring up the issue and help both explore why there isn’t more follow-through. These sorts of issues are prime topics for discussion.
While talk is the prime method of operation here… it isn’t enough just to talk an issue to death…. Some advancement/improvement is important and often “faking it until you make it” is a valuable strategy until new healthy behavior becomes normal and comfortable.
What this "class" is not:
Sex class is not a place or time to have sex. Schedule these types of activates for another time. (could be a good "homework" assignment). It is not a time to get angry or "get even" or use the other person's vulnerabilities against them. Not a time to ridicule or put the other person down. This is the person you love. Be kind, gentle.
How the "class" works:
At our designated time the focus is to talk about sex, sex in general, and as it applies to your relationship. Important topics of discussion will often involve other life issues, such as health, energy, money, attitudes, different backgrounds and upbringings, and lifestyles…. But this is not the time to discuss such things as getting the car fixed or burning the toast at breakfast unless these types of issues interplay with one's sex life. Research can come in many forms: talking to each other or other trusted friends, web searches, books, sensual movies, or professional resources.
Discussion topics might be:
How often do we have sex?
How good sex is for each of us. Be honest.
Why one initiates more than the other.
What each likes or doesn’t like.
How each wishes things could be different or better.
Fears and possible reasons why. (past sexual abuse, religious guilt, etc.)
Fantasies… can they be realities or are they better as only fantasies?
When is the best time or place for sex?
What is each not getting from the relationship?
How could each better fulfill the other’s sexual and other needs?
How does, appearance, attitude, place, etc. affect sex.
What are the proven motivators that make each want to engage in sex?
Who or where are the role models for a good sex life and lifestyle.
What did we use to do, that made sex fun and good, that we don’t do now and why.
It is important to be very specific… no hints or innuendoes…. No assumptions that the other knows what we mean or want. Connect the dots very closely. “Wanting more Romance” isn’t specific enough…. What do you mean by romance…flowers…how often and what kind? "Want more sex or less" How often, specifically when?
Allow and encourage each partner to share and listen. It helps if the listening partner repeats their partner’s comments back, just to be sure each is accurately understood. "So I hear you saying that you are unhappy because I say I am too tired for sex, is that what you said?".
Homework:
At the end of each class, we assign homework. This usually involves doing some sort of further research, whether reading, surfing the web, or between the sheets activities. The expectation is that this “research” will be brought back to the next class for discussion and debriefing.
When we meet again we review the last class and the homework…. And if we didn’t do the homework, we discuss why not…. What was the hesitation or resistance… what can the other one do to help further the effort? Not doing something says a lot about the priority we put on our sexual lives together.
Sexual problems are one of the leading causes of divorce (money, beliefs, and kids are the other main problems).
Hints:
Try to solve some of the other distractions in life to prevent them from interfering with our sex life. (kids, work, money, fatigue, etc).
Try to fulfill what the other partner's desires are despite what you think they should be. If this is not possible, try to identify what their desire's specific reward is. See if you can agree on a mutually acceptable alternative behavior (fantasy?) that still satisfies the original desire.
Stick with the class process because regular attention helps to move toward progress.
Make the shift from focusing on what you want in sex to focusing on what the other person needs. It should be a 60/40 relationship each trying to give more than they get.
Make the effort to keep life interesting it helps keep sex interesting.
Try to remember what it was or what you did at the beginning of your relationship that was sexually attractive. See if you can recreate those experiences.
Try to remember what it was or what you did at the beginning of your relationship that was sexually attractive. See if you can recreate those experiences.
Try sex first…. Got a headache… try sex. Bored… try sex first…. Etc. Haven’t had sex for a long time, try it now.
Other tips:
Raise the bar of expectation. If you want more, expect more of yourself.
Change yourself first.
Make a checklist of things you can do each day that enhance your sex life
(take showers together, a minute-long kiss, an affectionate pinch on the butt, kissing
each other like you really mean it).
Move toward a problem not away. Avoidance indicates a real problem.
Listen carefully and try to make your partner happy.
If one technique no longer works, be creative and try something new.
Talk, listen, Do.
Raise the bar of expectation. If you want more, expect more of yourself.
Change yourself first.
Make a checklist of things you can do each day that enhance your sex life
(take showers together, a minute-long kiss, an affectionate pinch on the butt, kissing
each other like you really mean it).
Move toward a problem not away. Avoidance indicates a real problem.
Listen carefully and try to make your partner happy.
If one technique no longer works, be creative and try something new.
Talk, listen, Do.
This class is the single most helpful practice we have found over the years to remain sexually fulfilled together. We drift away from it and that hampers our relationship until we start the class again.
Enjoy.... this may be hard work, but it shouldn't be painful. Done right it is a win-win experience for both of you. Discuss how to have fun.
If these class efforts don't bring you closer, perhaps they can at least provide a forum for identifying areas of problems that could then be brought to a professional counselor to help you work through them.
PS: The chances are good that at some point in our lives we will NOT have an intimate partner (or willing partner). A scheduled time such as this class can teach about our own personal sexual needs and ways to fulfill them. It is hard to advance if we do nothing.
PS: The chances are good that at some point in our lives we will NOT have an intimate partner (or willing partner). A scheduled time such as this class can teach about our own personal sexual needs and ways to fulfill them. It is hard to advance if we do nothing.
Stories of Love Lost
Just one day
I have a friend that I have known since college days over 40 years ago. A wonderful friend and delightful neighbor... Kids, dog, happy home, … the works. Not long ago his healthy and attractive wife of many years was out for a walk in the neighborhood. She suddenly collapsed and died on the spot.
I remember well my first conversation with my friend after his wife’s death. I said that I couldn’t imagine how he could go on with the loss of such a wonderful companion. He paused for what seemed to be a long sad moment. Then said: “ I remember the first day I met my wife over 40 years ago. She was so beautiful, so enchanting. I remember thinking at that time, that if I could just spend one day with her, my life would be complete. I got to spend that one wonderful day with her, and many, many more. Now when I long for her, I remember how lucky I was to have just that one day. And now I am complete”. “Just one day”.
My Virtual friend:
My dad and I were best friends….. we seemed to do everything together. I’m sure he knew my thoughts before I did and I continually sought out his thoughts on everything. He was constantly on my mind. When he died suddenly I was devastated…. cast adrift. After a time I realized that his thought remained with me as I think of him still. Someone who was once real is a virtual friend now. t.d.
**************************************************************************************
**************************************************************************************
Make Love Every day
Lust! Passion, Desire…. pulse rising, breath quickening, palms sweating, clothes falling to the floor, skin on skin, back against the wall, groping, grasping, squeezing, thrusting, gasping for breath, release, satisfaction. The touch, the feel, those emotions burned into memories, forever yearned for. Ya… wow… did you see that movie too? Great huh? Isn’t that what dreams are like? What a fantasy.
Everyone should have that kind of passion at least once in their lives….. But only once? If you are lucky maybe more. How about every day? Whoa, wake up…. we are in reality now… not at the movies….. Remember work, kids, old age, too tired, too busy, same old partners, sagging bodies, wrinkled skin?……. But wait. Couples come pretty close to fantasies like that in the early days of their relationships, didn’t they? Few forget those times. We made it happen, we made romance, sex, and passion a priority then, why not now, always, every day?
Is the love still there, even if the passion has faded? Can’t passion be found again? We eat every day, we work every day, we sleep every day, we do a lot of things every day. But where is the passion? For some reason, we push aside the stuff that dreams are made of. Important, maybe most important, are those wonderful moments, feelings, desires that brought us together in the beginning, yet we set them aside.
We’ve all heard of those who say they have sex every day (or maybe more often?). Good for them. If you haven’t tried that, give your relationship a challenge to try it every day for a month or so. Highly recommended! If nothing else, setting a goal of sex every day will tell you a lot about yourself, your relationship, and your commitment to a dream.
If sex is the thermometer that shows us the heat of our relationship, then passion is the barometer that shows which way the winds of our hearts are blowing. Outside of the movies, in the real world, sex every day can be a real challenge. How about expanding that concept, that behavior, to “making LOVE” every day. There is a big difference between having sex and making love. Sex can be an important part of making love but there is so much more to reviving and maintaining love, and the passions in our ongoing “affair” of the heart. Making “love” every day should be a desired obligation achievable by every couple.
I can see a lot of readers rolling their eyes at this point and saying “dream on”. Hey, this is not like pulling teeth…. this is a chance to fulfill the physical and emotional desires, just like we did at the beginning of our relationships and just like we do for eating and sleeping. Learn to set a priority every day to the one you profess to love. Make time for passion…. 15-30 minutes is all it takes. Get naked, rub some skin, take a shower together, cuddle and take a nap, split the sheets and gaze into each other’s eyes, use your imagination. Create sensual moments, a look, a touch, a spontaneous hug, or try the minute kiss. Whatever turns you on. You would be amazed at what can happen when you are naked next to someone. Learn to show the one you love what adoration and cherishing is all about. This is perhaps the one time to stop talking, stop dreaming, and just get naked. And do it every day!
As Garrison Keillor said: “There is almost no marital problem that can’t be helped by taking off your clothes”.
t.d.
Click on the labels at the top right of the page for more subjects.
Click on the labels at the top right of the page for more subjects.