Notes to my self:
You Can't Find Happiness
Happiness may well be the most important goal in ones life. But strangely happiness itself is hard to find. Happiness is not something we can find directly. Happiness is a by-product of some action or thought. We find happiness by doing something, an activity like playing a game, playing music, sharing friendship, working or reading good thoughts etc. Like wanting strong muscles, we can wish for them but they won’t just happen, we have to exercise to get them. If we want to be happy, we have to find things to DO that make us happy.
To better understand our relationship to happiness it might be instructive to make a list on paper of ten things in our past that have made us happy. And then make a list of ten things that we think would make us happy now. Remember, don’t list feelings or thoughts, list activities that have made or will make us happy. Consider pursuing some of those activities.
One measure of happiness might be comparing the distance we are from where we are now, to where we want to be. To do this one has to be honest and recognize where they are now, and know where they want to be. Knowing specifically what you want may be the most difficult part of the journey to happiness. So often we flutter around wishing and wondering but have no specific idea of what we want or need. Take all the time that is needed to find a worthy goal.
Our choice of friends has a lot to do with the degree of happiness we experience. If you want to be happy find friends that are happy people. Happiness tends to spread to those around it. And it certainly will help to find a happy person to marry if you want a happy marriage. And regarding marriage: Love is the condition where the happiness of another person is essential to your own happiness. Kindness is the art of finding things to do that create happiness for those we care about.
And finally…. Lincoln is attributed to have said: “Folks are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be”. It is difficult to make someone else happy but you have a lot of influence on your own happiness. Strive to do things that make you happy. t.d. 1999
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The Hardest Thing I Ever Did
I wonder how many times we look at somebody critically and wonder why they can’t get their lives together and make the obvious and necessary improvements we think they should make. He could loose some weight. Why doesn't she dress nicer. Why is he so shy, he could be more friendly.
I try to check myself when I think these thoughts about others and ask myself why I can’t make the next step in moving myself toward a better life that I seek.
No matter who we are, happy, rich or famous, there is always someone somewhere that is better… happier, richer or more famous than we. Do you suppose that they would look at us and wonder why we aren’t more of what we could be?
Looking back at our past we could all make a list of our accomplishment and successes. It seems so easy to assume that since we could accomplish these things, that everyone can. But think for a moment…. how could you double or quadruple your salary, lose 30% of the unneeded fat around your middle, turn an average marriage into a story book romance or become more popular or attractive?
A lot of us have a sort of rescue complex….. we see needs in others and think we have something to offer. It always seems so easy to solve other people’s problem. Yet when we look at our own problems they seem so insurmountable. Perhaps we should take an understanding look at others and leave them to their own goals. In reality changing someone else is very difficult, especially if they aren't highly motivated to do so. I think we are better off to focus instead on what we actually have some control of…. changing ourselves. Changing myself is the hardest thing I have ever done.
t.d.
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1. Never become dependent on one person for your financial well being. Men come and go. Do not put your life in their hands financially long-term, get educated so you can get a good job and make sure that any given moment you can provide for yourself (and possibly your children). The reason is that anything can happen. Divorce, stroke, car crash, cheating…anything.
2. Things probably won’t go the way you expected them. We all have a great plan, then shit happens.
3. Relationships don’t stay the same for very long. Relationships never ever stop changing, nor do people.
4. In your 20s your are still maturing and changing as a person. There is a huge amount of personal growth though out your 20s. Someday you will look back and say “ No way… what was I thinking?”.
5. Don’t give yourself a deadline for major milestones. Things happen or don’t. Life is a series of trade offs. You will have plenty of time to figure things out.
6. Don’t worry about aging. Life is a process. Youth isn’t the only phase. There is a time and place for each age.
7. You might start caring less about certain things as you get older… and thats ok. After your 20s you start to develop more confidence and feel more happy about life and develop a f*ck it I don’t care attitude towards other’s opinions, or f*ck it I can handle this myself attitude toward problems.
8.You will learn when something isn’t worth your energy. It is amazing how many things fix themselves. Its also amazing how you begin to realize that maybe it just isn’t any of your business.
source: Huffingtonpost
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First impressions & Lasting impressions.
Who will you be today?
Click click, click click, click click. I have just enough of a shoe fetish to recognize the sound of expensive leather soles waking across a tiled floor. Click click, click click. Distracted from my noontide croissant, my ears automatically turned toward the sound on the cafe floor, and my eyes focused down. Click click, click click. Light lime green… not cheap green but expensive lime green. Kitten heeled women's shoes. These could have cost a day’s wages or maybe a week’s depending on your pedigree. Low stacked heel, modest leather pattern on the long, narrowing pointed toe vamp. But the color was mesmerizing. Her legs were a nice complement with fitted tights, but the focus was on... click click, the shoes.
Click click, click click, click click. I have just enough of a shoe fetish to recognize the sound of expensive leather soles waking across a tiled floor. Click click, click click. Distracted from my noontide croissant, my ears automatically turned toward the sound on the cafe floor, and my eyes focused down. Click click, click click. Light lime green… not cheap green but expensive lime green. Kitten heeled women's shoes. These could have cost a day’s wages or maybe a week’s depending on your pedigree. Low stacked heel, modest leather pattern on the long, narrowing pointed toe vamp. But the color was mesmerizing. Her legs were a nice complement with fitted tights, but the focus was on... click click, the shoes.
They say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Some times like this one your first impression is the only impression. If god is in the details, a well done first impression is a lasting impression. This was many, many, many years ago and I still remember the elegance of those lime green, click click clicks.
Another first impression that lingers toward lasting: Black finger nail polish worn with serenity and grace. No not goth. A youthful expression, a bit for the dramatic. Perhaps a lark but well done. Accompanied by coal black hair. A sheepish smile illuminating patina porcelain skin. A striking image that still remains, of individual style.
Shakespeare said the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players. We create our role in life every morning when we get up. The costumes we wear are what we choose to put on. Our character is the reflection looking at us in the mirror.
What role do we choose to play today?…. we have all choices. Pretty, sloppy, dumb or confident. Look in the mirror each time you pass. Is this the role you want to be remembered by? First impression or lasting impression, or perhaps worst of all, never noticed. We decide what we will be, true or an illusion.
t.d. 4/14
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You Make a Choice Every Day !
We are much more in control of our lives than we generally think. It is often easy to think that we are the way we are because of our parents, spouse, race, nationality, poverty, health, education etc. And while these issues maybe at one time influenced us and still are part of our current conditions they don’t have to dominate our lives forever.
In a large way our lives are made up by a series of very small decisions and mind sets that we repeat over and over every day. Some behaviors are obvious and we take them for granted. Others are very subtle and we don’t even realize we have decided to do them. At some point (and it might as well be now) we have to recognize that we are ultimately responsible for where we are today and where we will be tomorrow. We can change these daily decisions and change our lives.
Decided to eat today and not starve? You make a choice every day.
Too tired to work hard a school? You make a choice every day.
Not going to do something important now, but put it off to later? You make a choice every day.
Not enough time to exercise daily? You make a choice every day.
Don’t want to get educated for a better job? You make a choice every day.
Can’t remember to kiss the ones you love every day? You make a choice every day.
Gaining too much weight and not eating well. You make a choice every day.
Decided to go to work and not rob a bank. You make a choice every day.
Not many friends and feeling lonely? You make a choice every day.
Sex life not going so well and thus a low priority. You make a choice every day.
Want something important in your life but can’t find the will to figure it out? You make a choice every day.
Not helping with chores around the house? You make a choice every day.
No time for friends or family? You make a choice every day.
Feeling grumpy? You make a choice every day.
You like being happy and not sad? You make a choice every day.
Wanting to learn something new but too busy? You make a choice every day.
No time to write that thank you card? You make a choice every day.
Not as good looking as you could be? You make a choice every day.
Want change in your life but it is too hard? You make a choice every day.
t.d. '03
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A suggested “bucket List” for the accomplished mature woman and man.
It seems that the current fad is to make a “bucket list” (a list of things to accomplish). Here is one for mature women and men:
Get a good education so that you can get a good job, even if you don't have to work.
Learn how to be comfortable in your clothes and know what looks good on you.
Manage your own finances.
Learn when you make a fool of your self to not worry about what others think. Mistakes are part of learning.
You should live alone long enough to know who you are and to have developed your own identity, before moving in with others.
Know how to say no….. and not to feel guilty.
Be able to speak in front of a group.
Be a smart shopper for the necessities and luxuries of life. Learn the difference between price and value.
Learn to ask for help.
Find true balance between work, home, family and self.
Lose toxic friends.
Forgive, including yourself.
Learn how to cook well enough to entertain friends, if only casually.
Learn a second language or at least some essentials.
Learn how to get and give what you really want in bed.
Learn how to recognize true friend and how to keep them.
Learn self defense.
Recognize when to try harder and when to walk away.
Visit Paris France.
Learn how to love well and be loved well.
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Images to Grow By
Imagery is helpful for me to remember important concepts for better living. Here are some examples of such images:
Three Ring circus: I think life is like a three ring circus (actually more rings). There are always multiple things to manage at the same time. For me I try to focus on these three rings: Personal health, Work, friends / family. Balance is a most important concept and trying to balance all these areas at once can be difficult. Usually not all are equally attended to. And that is OK for a short time. When every thing falls apart, work, family and health are troubled, we are headed for real problems. I've found that it is best to try to support at least one ring and then move on to another. It is difficult to get all the rings back on track at the same time.
Stepping Stones: Imagine trying to cross a creek without getting wet. There are a series of small stones that you can jump from one to another. As long as the stone you are on is stable, you can make a good leap to the next. But if the stone you are on is wobbly and unsafe, it is risky to try and jump, so you are stuck where you are. We need to find a stable stone to jump safely to the next. This is so often true of life. We want to move on, but our current position is so unstable we can not leap forward. So the message here is to find a point of stability in our current situation to give us a foundation to move on.
Links of a Chain: A chain is made up of many separate links. The chain is only as strong as the weakest link. Any one of them break and the chain is useless. One link is not enough, we need them all. The concept here is Relative Group Support. Life is a lot harder going it alone. We tend to be social beings and a group of people can usually accomplish a task easier than just one alone. So the goal should be to find a "related" "Group" of people to work together in "Support" of a common cause.
Stop Signal: We all know the three light stop signal in traffic. Green light means go, Yellow light means go slow, and red light means stop. These are the choices we have in life. Be cautious, proceed with care. Stop, it is too risky, wait. And the way forward seems clear and safe, get going. We need to look at the signals in our daily life if we don't want make a wreck of it.
Rubber Band Theory: I think our lives are like a rubber band. Early on, we don't know much.... we are not very stretched out. As we grow and gain confidence we stretch out... hopefully not pushing the limits to the breaking point. We seem to have an innate nature about us. Some of us are naturally quite, others adventuresome. We can learn to stretch our basic nature.... but eventually, when allowed to exercise our true selves the rubber band snaps back... we find peace and solace exercising that earlier true self.... at least to some degree. Reach out but don't ignore our roots.
Oxygen Theory: If you have ever flown on a commercial airplane, you will recall the stewardess demonstrating the emergency oxygen system and the warning to secure YOUR oxygen before helping others. So often our duty and generosity calls us to focus on others often to the detriment of our own well being. If we are not in balance, it is difficult to be effective doing anything else. Take care of yourself first and with the extra energy you can effectively help others.
Cutting the Tail off the Dog: Ouch! Well, if for some reason you want to cut the tail off your dog, doesn't it make sense to do make one cut and not a series of short cuts? Some situations in life require similar choices. Do we want to dance around the solution or make the decision now and get on with life.
Talking to ourselves: Most of us realize that we have this mental conversation going on within or heads. Be careful what we tell ourselves. It often guides us in our behavior. We need to listen objectively to these voices. What we tell ourselves influences our decision making. Example. Suppose we see our teen age daughter through the window kissing a young man in the yard. We may say to ourselves: "Ah, isn't young love wonderful" and then act supportively with our daughter. Or we may say to ourselves: "She's acting like a tramp" and we run out the door to chase the young man away. If we stop to listen to the conversation we are having with ourselves, it can be instructive on how to behave appropriately.
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