Finding friends is a numbers game with two major parts. Both of which we have a large degree of control over.
First, the more encounters with people one has in their life the more opportunity they will have to meet potential friends. There are a number of ways to get us in touch with potential friends and partners…. online dating, blind dates, newspaper ads, and the ever-present bar scene, etc. For some, this may work…. but for most these methods fall short. Any kind of exposure to other people is helpful but the best results come from involving oneself in activities that they personally enjoy where other people are present. An important element of connecting is establishing a common interest and being someone who others want to connect with.
A good example of this would be taking a class in something we want to learn about. Or joining a club that interests us, or volunteering.The point is that by associating with other people that have similar interests, we are doing something we enjoy, with other people who enjoy the same thing.
While in this involvement we are relaxed and it takes the pressure off meeting people and focuses on the event. Everyone has an opportunity to show their personality. Such group activities are safe environments for all, to let down their guard and be themselves, which is exactly what one wants to see when picking new friends.
Secondly, consider:
What do we bring to the “party”? ( We can’t expect everyone else to carry the load, we have to reciprocate).
How can we make our appearance presentable so that we don’t scare people off?
What can we do to improve our personality and communication skills so that we can carry on a reasonable conversation?
Have we educated myself enough to have something interesting to say on a variety of subjects?
How can we look for the good and interesting aspects in others and not be so critical?
Ignorance on any aspect of our life is not a problem as long as we have a desire to improve. If shyness is a problem, take a communications course, get practice talking with others. If your looks and fashion need help, study up on how to enhance what we have and ask for help from those we admire. Nothing interesting to say… join a book club, learn a new hobby or sport. We are a blank slate at birth, everything we need to know is learnable.
Some people are very charismatic…. they seem to be born with a gift for gab and a wonderful personality. Some people are physically beautiful and seem to be like a shining star that attracts people. But for most, we are not so gifted with these magnetic charms that make having friends and relationships flow to us. Some work harder at making themselves presentable to friends. No one said it was easy.
Often we are our own worst enemy because of the lifestyle and habits we practice. We think there is something wrong with us, or we are not lucky like others. We may think others are stuffy or unfriendly because they don’t speak to us, when most likely they are just as shy as we are.
We fail to understand the efforts successful people put into their lives that makes their efforts look so easy. We hibernate, find activities that are solo in nature: reading, crafts, computers. While these are all wonderful pass times they are not usually very conducive to helping us meet other people. It is rare to have potential friends or a date come knocking at your computer or craft room door and beg us for a date.
It is a strange phenomenon that in this case, the direct approach often fails. It is like happiness, happiness cannot be found, but it is a by-product of doing something enjoyable. Meeting people with the cold steely eyes of a stalker chases off more than it attracts. Most folks have a intuitive sense of what others are up to. If we are so desperate to make a friend, that desperation is silently transmitted to those around us and can be off-putting. If everyone is truly gathered for a common purpose such as a classroom or hobby, that pressure of “the hunt” is lessened.
Stop dreaming about prince or princess charming in far away never-land. We need to get in the habit of looking immediately around us… the person sitting next to us, the other person in the line at the store, our neighbor. These people don’t have to be potential partners…. they are just nice people that we can get to know and in the process practice being a nice friend. Our first impression of them may be all wrong…. maybe something more will grow from this casual encounter… maybe they have a brother, daughter, friend that we might meet later.
Practice paying attention to the people in front of us. Treating them like they are the most interesting thought on your mind at that moment is a wonderful feeling for both of you.
Get out, go for walks on busy streets or parks, visit shopping malls, grocery stores, take public transportation etc. Attempt to casually and non-threateningly engage in a simple conversation…. “hello, nice day, cute dog you have”. Don’t push it, but have a “back up line” if they respond…..” are you a regular here?”… or “I read that book you are reading and loved it”. By practicing these “ice-breaking” conversations with average people, it gives us a chance to feel more comfortable when someone we really want to meet comes along.
Self-improvement takes time. Others are doing it continually. Where will we be in ten years if we keep sitting on our hands and just wishing our lives were different?
Nobody said it was easy. Nothing worth having is, but with gentle practice it can be fun and rewarding.
As for me, before I actually met her, I always dreamed of marrying my best friend. Eventually, I did.
1998+2016 t.d.